Forced Reflection

Yesterday, NN’s father passed away.

I was there when she got the news and I cannot begin to express the anguish and pain I witnessed on her face.  Her world had been ripped apart and there was nothing anyone could do to make it better.

After she left to be with her family, I sat at my desk, trying very hard to grasp how tenuous life really is.  I kept running through the events of that morning.  NN and I meeting up, coming into work, having breakfast, working, laughing and working some more.  Meanwhile, at that exact same moment, her father had taken his last breath in this world.  The clarity of the realization that life is so fragile took my breath away.

My mind invariably turned to the most important people in my life that I had hugged, kissed, fought with and I almost suffocated with panic at the thought of never being able to do those things with them ever again.  And yet I didn’t call any of them to see if they were okay, I didn’t call any of them to tell them I loved them very much and how much they all mean to me.  I am just not yet ready to accept that they are mortal.  Maybe a part of me also feels that it shouldn’t take a dear friend loosing a loved one for me to let my loved ones know how I feel.  A sense of guilt that I have taken them for granted.

My thoughts were dominated by my parents, especially my father.  Growing up, I always tended to dismiss them and their wisdom.  I was a pretty rebellious child and of course, as most teenagers feel, I felt that I knew best.  Having a father with his own set of issues made this easier.  How do you respect a father who is flawed? As children, we hold our parents up to an impossible standard.  We expect them to know everything, understand everything and of course understand us.  It takes growing into adulthood and becoming responsible for one’s own well being to really recognize that your parents are but human beings.  Human beings that grew up in the same world we did, experienced a set of challenges - different to ours but challenges nonetheless - to those that we did and ultimately are just as flawed as we ourselves are.  Being able to understand this fundamental concept gave me the greatest gift - a true relationship with my father.

Our relationship is brand new, despite existing since I was born.  I don’t need to hear the words to know that he loves me unconditionally.  On some level, deep down, I always knew he did but it has taken me and him twenty four years to break through all the bad decisions, flaws and mistakes to build a meaningful relationship.  One that means more than words can explain.  I refuse to let go, despite knowing that ultimately it isn’t up to me and it scares me.

Today, I am back at work, rushing to meet deadlines and going through all those activities, motivated or mundane, that I go through on a daily basis, but something’s different.  There’s an empty seat next to mine that reminds me that as cliched as it sounds, life is too short. So to all those that I hold near and dear in my life, I want you to know that I love you and you mean the world to me.  I cannot imagine my life without each and every one of you.  Thank you for making me a loving part of your life.

NN - I am thinking of you.